Head On Page 18
Implement what you’ve learned in this chapter and draft how you would open the conversation with your manager. As you compose your opening, keep the following questions in mind:
☐ Is your manager more task or relationship oriented?
☐ How comfortable are you in disclosing personal details?
☐ Will you need special accommodations or a change in schedule?
☐ What solution (or solutions) are you offering with the problem to mitigate the impact on your work?
CHAPTEr 13
Taking Work and Life Head On
In your work life and your personal life, practice the principles of Head On. Follow the methods outlined in this book and do the exercises at the end of each chapter. Then practice some more. When you do, you’ll find that it becomes easier and easier to address difficult situations as they arise. You may find that you had been spending hours ruminating about a situation that really only took a few minutes to resolve once you addressed it.
Your brain needs the practice in order for this process to become second nature. Remember that neurons that fire together wire together. Recall also that stressful situations will spike your cortisol and other stress hormone levels and, left unchecked, you will progress rapidly up the arousal continuum. Your brain falls back on what it knows best (this is why pilots train so extensively on what to do when things go wrong). Practice is the only way to get there.
DEVELOPING COMPETENCE
Don’t expect perfection. You may stumble with mastering the skills and techniques outlined in this book. That’s okay. It happens to all of us when we are learning a new skill. We move through four distinct stages as we gain mastery over a new skill. First, we are unconsciously incompetent. That is, we are not good at something and we don’t even know it. It is in our blind spot, out of our conscious awareness. Then, something that happens that brings to our awareness this thing we didn’t know we didn’t know how to do. For example, you might go wind surfing for the first time. It looks easy enough. Who knew it would be so challenging? Perhaps it wasn’t a good choice for a first date activity!
Once you reach this level of awareness, a level where you are sometimes painfully aware of your incompetence, you are consciously incompetent. You are bad at it and you know it. Maybe that’s why you picked up this book.
Developing proficiency of a new skill requires that you take deliberate action to implement that new skill. Your cognitive load increases as you focus on each step of the new process, getting the steps in order and the timing right. You can do it, and you have to think about. At this point you are consciously competent.
Eventually, after you have successfully done something many, many times, it becomes second nature to you and you don’t have to give it conscious thought-at least not the deliberate steps. You are unconsciously competent. You are good at it and you don’t have to think about it to be good at it.
As you experiment, practice, and otherwise play around with the techniques shared in this book, you will move through the stages from unconscious incompetence to conscious and unconscious competence. When you’ve had hundreds of conversations on difficult and challenging topics and followed the steps outlined in this book, having those conversations will become an area of conscious competence for you, or perhaps even unconscious competence.
Remember to have compassion for yourself as you move through the stages. At first, you might see an opportunity three days later and think, “Oh, I could have used the Fact AND model!” Then, later another situation will occur and instead of three days, it will be three hours after the event that you realize the missed opportunity to use the technique.
As your confidence grows and the neural pathways that support these techniques develop and strengthen, you will get closer and closer to using the tools in the moment. At some point, you will be thinking about using one of the tools or techniques at the very time that you hear other words roll off your tongue and you will be wishing you could suck them back in. When that happens, stop. Take a breath. A deep breath. And begin again. You are getting there!
TAKING ACTION
Without action there is no change. If you read this book and implement none of it, you will be intellectually wiser. But your conversations on difficult topics will not be any easier. Strained relationships will not automatically improve. No, to make the principles in this book work for you, you need to put them to work.
This book is not a book with a few quick tips you can try or a silver bullet that will solve all of your difficult work situations and conversations. Rather, this is a book that suggests a fundamental shift in how you think about and approach difficult conversations. When you can keep in mind that other people don’t like feeling threatened any more than you do, and that threats produce a natural, biological self-defense reaction, your approach to human interactions will be changed forever.
Understanding that the brain opts for defensive maneuvers and safety any time it feels threatened, and that it is biological, invariably changes things. You will be more mindful and deliberate with your word choices. You will work to create safe situations built on trust and respect. You will create conversations that are clear and free from emotional hazards.
And through the way you treat people and the example you set, you will change the world. You might not think you are changing it on a grand scale, but if you change the world for the better through your ability to successfully navigate a murky relationship with a co-worker, that co-worker’s life will be better (and probably the lives of those around you, too).
Look for opportunities to change the world one conversation at a time. You might talk to your manager or your neighbor or your child differently. You might create a safe space in which to talk about salary disparity or racial justice or drug use. In opening up that discussion with that one person, you will change their world. For the better. And little by little, in conversations big and small, we will begin to create a world in which people listen to one another, respect one another, trust one another, and can take difficult situations head on.
Endnotes
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2. Gibb, J.R. (1961). Defensive Communication. Journal of Communication, Vol. 11, pp. 141-148.
3. Stamp, G.H., A.L. Vangelisti and J.A. Daly. (1992). The creation of defensiveness in social interaction. Communication Quarterly, Vol. 40 (2).
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5. Caine, R.N., and G. Caine. (1994). Making connections: teaching and the human brain. Menlo Park, Calif: Addison-Wesley
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12. Carmeli, A., D. Brueller, and J.E. Dutton. (2009). Learning behaviours in the workplace: The role of high-quality interpersonal relationships and psychological safety. Systems Research, Vol. 26, pp. 81-98.
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14. Lambert, K. (2003). The life and career of Paul MacLean: a journey toward neurobiological and social harmony. Physiology & Behavior, 79, pp. 343-9.
15. Cronen, V.W., W.B. Pearce, and L.M. Snavely. (1979). A theory of rule- structure and types of episodes and a study of perceived enmeshment in undesired repetitive patterns. In D. Nimmo (Ed.), Communication Yearbook, Vol. 3, pp. 225-240. New Brunswick, NJ: Transaction Books.
16. Barsade, S. (2002). The Ripple Effect: Emotional Contagion and its Influence on Group Behavior. Administrative Science Quarterly, Vol. 47, pp. 644-675.
17. Ramachandran, V.S. (2012). The Tell-Tale Brain: A Neuroscientist’s Quest for What Makes Us Human. New York: Norton.
18. Berger, C. R. and R.J. Calabrese. (1975). Some Explorations in Initial Interaction and Beyond: Toward a Developmental Theory of Interpersonal Communication. Human Communication Research, Vol. 1, pp. 99-112
19. Gordon, T. (1970). P.E.T.: Parent Effectiveness Training. New York: Harmony.
20. Bridges, W. (2004). Transitions: Making Sense of Life’s Changes, 25th Ed. Boston: Da Capo Press.
21. Benitez-Quiroz, C.F., R. Wilbur, and A. Martinez. (2016). The not face: A grammaticalization of facial expressions of emotion. Cognition, Vol. 150, pp. 77-84.
22. Woolley, A.W., C.F. Chabris, A. Pentland, N. Hashmi, and T.W. Malone. (2010). Evidence for a collective intelligence factor in the performance of human groups. Science, 330, pp. 686-688.
23. Carnegie Mellon University. (2010). New Study by Carnegie Mellon, MIT and Union College Shows Collective Intelligence of Groups Exceeds Cognitive Abilities of Individual Group Members. Carnegie Mellon University I CMU. Retrieved from http://www.cmu.edu/news/archive/2010/October/oct1_collectiveintelligencestudy.shtml.
24. Littrell, J. (2015). Neuroscience for Psychologists and Other Mental Health Professionals. New York: Springer.
25. Olatunji, B.O., J.M. Lohr, and B.J. Bushman. (2007). The pseudopsychology of venting in the treatment of anger: Implications and alternatives for mental health practice. In T.Z. Cavell & K.T. Malcolm (Eds.), Anger, aggression, and interventions for interpersonal violence, pp. 119-141. Mahwah, NJ: Lawrence Erlbaum Associates.
26. Bastin, M., J. Vanhalst, R. Filip, and P. Bijttebier. (2017). Co-Brooding and Co-Reflection as Differential Predictors of Depressive Symptoms and Friendship Quality in Adolescents: Investigating the Moderating Role of Gender. Journal of Youth and Adolescence, pp. 1-15.
27. Saad, L. (2014). The “40-Hour” Workweek Is Actually Longer - by Seven Hours. Gallup News. Retrieved from http://news.gallup.com/poll/175286/hour-workweek-actually-longer-seven-hours.aspx.
28. Dweck, C. (2006). Mindset: The New Psychology of Success. New York: Ballantine.
Acknowledgments
This book came to life through the assistance of many talented helpers. At Gale House Press, Tina’s administrative skills pushed this project to the finish line on a cold winter day. I couldn’t have done it without her. My editor, Camille Trentacoste, went above and beyond more times than I can count. Deep gratitude to Amy Jolin for (re)introducing me to Camille. Sheila Joyce deftly proofread the manuscript (over Thanksgiving weekend!). Special thanks also are due to Joey McGarvey who edited portions of an early draft of the book.
I am indebted to reviewers of the book proposal and early chapters: Pam Longfellow, Terri Cotts, and Erika Garms. They gave from their hearts and minds. I appreciate each of them for their belief in me and their unwavering friendship.
Special thanks go out to two very special people who offered up their homes to me as writing retreats at various points in the writing process: Heidi Palms and Kristen Kralick. Squirreling myself away from the duties of family and the busyness of my everyday life, in your apartment and your cabin respectively, was exactly what was needed to pull this off.
The writing process was made much more fun with the encouragement and inspiration of many of my fellow speaker/author friends, chief among them Theresa Rose and Kristen Brown.
I have deep gratitude for my parents. They believed in me, despite my sometimes unconventional choices, and their belief in me made a lasting difference.
And finally, I thank my family. The kids – Andrew, Jocelyn, and Blake – were an important part of the process. From helping out around the house, to creating a writing fairy to be my muse, to giving the best hugs ever, you continue to inspire me and make life more fun. And to Mark, my husband, who contributed more to this book than he knows. Thank you.
About the Author
Janel Anderson, PhD is a recognized expert on workplace communication and culture. She helps organizations untangle complex communication and relationship issues so employees and leaders alike can collaborate better and serve their customers more effectively.
Even more importantly, Anderson helps her clients develop new ways of relating to one another at work so they can get products to market faster, shorten sales cycles, and create value for their customers, all while recognizing their own humanity in the process.
Anderson holds a PhD in organizational communication from Purdue University. She has been a manager in a start-up company, a college professor, a director in a global organization, and in 2010 Anderson left her corporate role to found Working Conversations and hasn’t looked back.
With clients like 3M, Wells Fargo, Cargill, Delta Dental, General Dynamics, Mayo Clinic, and Polaris, Anderson has helped notable brands improve their communication and culture. In addition, she’s worked with hundreds of associations and government groups, sharing techniques on how to communicate more effectively at work.
For more information on speaking engagements, training programs, or workshops, please contact us at:
Janel Anderson CEO & Founder
Working Conversations
P.O. Box 19453
Minneapolis, MN 55419
Phone: 612-327-8026
Email: janel@workingconversations.com
Website: WorkingConversations.com