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  So far, we have presumed that you have control over how and when the conversation begins. We looked at the conversation from the perspective of you initiating it. If the difficult conversation finds you and you are not the one who initiated it however, it may not have been started in a way designed to keep you from getting defensive. In fact, you might find yourself feeling incredibly defensive at the outset. If this is the case, recall the techniques from the last chapter on staying calm. Those techniques will help you stay on the lower end of the arousal continuum where you will be better able to regulate your emotions and your thoughts.

  In the next chapter, we look at what to do after the conversation has begun. But first, complete the exercises at the end of the chapter to gain mastery over opening conversations without making the other person defensive.

  EXERCISES

  # 9 : How Not to Start a Conversation

  Starting a conversation in a manner that makes the other person defensive will never yield positive results. Some examples of poor ways to begin a conversation on a difficult topic include:

  “We need to talk.”

  “I’ve got a serious matter to discuss with you.” “I learned to pick my battles at a young age.”

  Listen closely during the coming week and jot down any other opening lines that made you or others feel defensive.

  #10: Use the Fact AND model

  Use the Fact AND model to develop a list of facts for your next difficult conversation. Note that you do not need to use exactly five facts to tee up your conversation. Use as many as makes sense in order to introduce the topic and reach the area of impact.

  Come back to this formula when you are preparing for difficult conversations in the future.

  Fact:

  Fact:

  Fact:

  Fact:

  Fact:

  Impact:

  CHAPTER 6

  Listen and Learn

  I was recently visiting with another consultant who, like me, works to improve workplace culture. As we shared our approaches, I mentioned listening as a key pillar of my work. “Really?” he responded. “Don’t people already know how to listen?” he asked.

  I asked him, in turn, to share a time when he felt that he and another person were in sync on something.

  “Oh, that’s easy. Yesterday. My business partner and I were working on some new concepts. Each idea built on the one before it and we were completely in sync.”

  “Perfect example,” I said. “The two of you were really listening to one another. Now,” I continued, “tell me about a time when that didn’t happen. Tell me about a time when you and someone were missing each other at every turn.”

  He was quiet for a moment, then he grew somber. “This morning, and most every day,” he said, “with my wife.”

  “Yeah,” I acknowledged. “But what would it be like if she listened to you like your business partner does? And you listened to her that way, too?”

  “Okay,” he said. “I see the need for listening.”

  ◆◆◆

  Listening is a crucial component of effective conversations, difficult or otherwise. Listening to what is said and what is left unsaid is critical, and as we learned earlier, listening is severely hampered when defenses are heightened. The further up the arousal continuum we move, the less ability we have to listen and think critically. In this chapter, we look at two important concepts related to becoming a better listener in a difficult conversation: adaptive listening, or how to listen while you speak, and objective inquiry, or the art of getting curious and asking questions.

  ADAPTIVE LISTENING

  Shannon, a project manager, was holding an emergency meeting. There was a very real possibility that the timeline on a critical project she was managing would slip if the team didn’t meet their next milestone. And it wasn’t looking good. Shannon knew that if the team addressed this situation head on, there was a strong chance they could get the project back on schedule, and consequently, within budget.

  She convened the key stakeholders around a conference room table and laid out the current situation. As she spoke, Shannon was acutely aware of the tension in the room. She made eye contact with everyone in the room in turn and observed carefully to see who was in agreement, who was confused or had questions, and any other reactions she could discern.

  When she saw puzzlement or confusion, she shared more details on the point she was currently discussing. She slowed her rate of speech slightly and sometimes stopped to ask specifically if there were questions before moving to the next point.

  Shannon exhibited a high level of social sensitivity and emotional intelligence throughout the meeting, focusing on her audience and their reactions to her message as much as she focused on her message. Shannon was in a highly orchestrated and expertly maneuvered dance with her audience that I call adaptive listening. She was adapting as she delivered her message, sometimes slightly, sometimes massively, in response to the audience’s reaction. In so doing, she was listening intently to her audience, even though she was the one doing the speaking.

  Adaptive listening occurs when you are speaking, not when you are in typical “listening” mode. We often think of listening as the thing we are doing when it is not our turn to talk in the conversation. While that is certainly a common form of listening, conversations on difficult topics require just as much, if not more, listening while speaking, or adaptive listening. When we focus in equal measure on the message and how the audience is receiving the message, we can better tailor our approach to meet their needs in the moment. In any conversation where there is true dialogue, you are both the speaker and the listener, alternately and simultaneously. As you talk, you read the response of your partner and adjust your message or approach accordingly.

  Adaptive listening is both a science and an art. It is a spontaneous adaptation of the delivery of your message. Your overall message does not change. Your commitment and conviction, your research and supporting data, the substance of your message, does not waver. Rather, what does change is your delivery, your word choice, your rhythm. As you listen while you speak and sense where your audience needs more, or less, you adapt to their goals, values, and beliefs. Adaptive listening enables you to remain present and fully engaged in the conversation and it also lessens the possibility that your listeners will miss important details, stated or unstated. (I borrowed and modified this term from “listener adaptation,” a phrase which describes how non-native speakers of a language adapt their dialect to become more like the dialect of the native speakers of that language. As a result, they are more intelligible to the native speakers.)

  Your presence and dedication to the conversation and, accordingly, to the other person, bring with them respect and trust. When we are taking a careful read of our audience as we speak to them, they will sense that we are right there, in that moment, with them and only them. This shows tremendous respect for the other person. That we can be free from distractions and place our focus on this moment, on this conversation, means we are paying them the honor of our undivided attention. Such respect builds trust.

  Adaptive listening preempts misunderstanding. Misunderstandings occur when there is confusion, disagreement, or other inability to create shared meaning. When you are practicing adaptive listening, you become aware of the cues that indicate any such confusion or lack of shared meaning and you are able to address it in the moment. In this way, the conversation is improvisational, much like jazz music.

  Whether speaking with one person, with a team as Shannon was, or with a large audience, adaptive listening will bring you closer to your audience and will be formative in earning their trust.

  For some, adaptive listening comes quite naturally. For others, the skill can be developed. To increase your ability to listen while speaking, you must first bring your attention to the listener. We will presume that you are unequivocally comfortable with and knowledgeable about the content you are sharing. If that is not the case, get crystal clear on you
r message and any supporting details that may be required in sharing your message. This is paramount.

  In honing your skill at adaptive listening, I suggest a three-part process. First, with message firmly in place, draw your attention to your listener’s body language. This is an especially useful place to start if you are in an uncomfortable situation (i.e., a conversation on a difficult topic or speaking to a large audience). You will be able to detect interest as your audience moves while you speak. When you detect them leaning forward, it is an indication of interest. They might lean slightly to one side rather than forward. This also indicates listening and interest. Listeners may also tilt their head slightly to one side or nod subtly as they listen carefully and consider what you are saying.

  When you notice your listener leaning back, the information may be redundant or not of interest to them. They are not listening as closely. Other indications of not listening may be obvious to some but are worth mentioning here nonetheless: shaking of the head (which may also mean disagreement), fidgeting, looking at a watch or clock or using a smartphone-and not to take notes on what you are saying but instead to check email, text, or other activity unrelated to the discussion at hand.

  Watch also for the general openness or closedness of their body. A closed body with arms crossed is a general indication of disagreement. If shoulders are rounded or the person is making themselves look small, it may indicate defensiveness or fear. An open body posture on the other hand, generally indicates agreement or alignment.

  Once you are comfortable reading the general body language of others, the next area to on which to concentrate is facial expression. Facial expressions that indicate interest and agreement generally include smiles (large or small), animated appearance (positive), mirroring of your own facial expressions, and holding your gaze. Additionally, a slight frown or pursed lips may indicate a sign of thoughtful consideration. The listener in this case may be integrating or comparing information that you are sharing with other knowledge, beliefs, or opinions.

  Facial expressions indicating disagreement or confusion include obvious frowns, lips pressed tightly together, or a raised chin. A knit brow likely indicates confusion or questions. However, like a slight frown, a slightly knit brow may indicate consideration and contemplation. Taking into account other non-verbal cues may help corroborate whether the knit brow indicates thinking or confusion.

  The specific combination of knit brow, lips pressed tightly together, and chin raised was recently identified as the “not” expression, indicating anger, disgust, and contempt.21 As in, “I do NOT agree with what’s being said in any way, shape or form.”

  Eye contact also provides insight into your audience’s state of listening. Indications that your audience is not listening or is perhaps disagreeing with you include downcast eyes or not making direct eye contact, actively seeking eye contact from others to exchange a knowing glance (one of skepticism rather than agreement), and eyes closed. And here we’re talking about sleeping rather than being deep in meditative thought over your brilliance!

  Note that some people are naturally far more non-verbally expressive than others. The more you come to know your audience, whether it is an individual, a team, or a large group, the more you will come to understand how closely they parallel the general guidelines offered here.

  It is worth mentioning that these factors generally represent American/Western culture (although the researchers who identified the “not” face studied people from many different cultures and found the “not” face to transcend cultures). Other cultures may vary considerably in their non-verbal norms and associated meanings. This is particularly true for eye contact.

  I recommend practicing and sharpening this skill in low-stakes conversations initially, for obvious reasons. When you are in a high-stakes conversation (conversation on a challenging topic, presentation to senior executives, etc.), you may be nervous. If you have honed your adaptive listening skills in situations that are less intense, they will begin to come second nature to you when you are in the high-stakes conversations.

  It is also easier for your brain to learn a new skill when you are in a less stressful situation. With less cognitive load, you will have more bandwidth available to use in the development of the new skill. When you are in a high-stakes conversation, it makes sense to bring all of your faculties to the content of that conversation. Of course, it is more important than ever to connect with your audience in those high-stakes conversations, so start practicing now!

  Because there are cultural and individual variances, on occasion you may not be sure how to read the nonverbal cues of others. In those instances, the best thing to do is ask. “I’m sensing some confusion and I’d like to stop at this point and check in before I go any further.” Or perhaps, “I get the feeling we might not all be on the same page. I’d like to take the pulse of the group before moving on.” Invitations like these offer an audience, whether a single individual or a larger group, a practical and meaningful way into the conversation and are particularly helpful if you are unsure of what your adaptive listening is telling you.

  Next, we will look at the natural extension of your adaptive listening: getting curious and asking questions to learn more about the other person’s perspective.

  OBJECTIVE INQUIRY

  Danielle, an aquatics director at a municipal recreation and fitness center, was frustrated with one of the community members. Iris, a long-time member of the rec center and pool, was upset about recent schedule changes to the aqua-aerobics program designed specifically for senior citizens. She had been calling regularly to complain to Danielle. “She calls so often! And sometimes she even tries to disguise her voice to make it sound like more people are upset than just her, but I can always tell it’s her from the caller ID,” Danielle lamented. “How can I get her to stop calling me?”

  “What do you say when she calls?” I asked.

  “I tell her that I’m so sorry and that it wasn’t my decision to change the schedule. It’s because the high school started sharing the pool with us so they can have a swim team. I pretty much say the same thing every time. I try my best to be apologetic but it’s not working,” Danielle replied.

  The missing piece here is to consider the impact on Iris and what the schedule change means to her. Danielle’s response doesn’t include Iris. I advised Danielle to get curious, really curious, about Iris’s concerns the next time she called. Danielle reported back to me several days later. She shared this:

  “Iris called again and this time I asked her about her life and how the schedule change affected her. She said, ‘Danielle, we seniors are some of the most over-scheduled people on the planet. I probably have too much going on and I know that. But aqua-aerobics is important for my health. My doctor says I need to do low-impact exercise and this class is exactly that. Plus, I’ve made some new friends in the class so I love going. But at 8:30 on Thursdays, your new time for the class, is when I meet my three best girlfriends from high school. Danielle, I’m 81 years old. For the better part of the past 63 years, my girlfriends and I have been meeting at Denny’s for breakfast at 8:30 on Thursdays. My friends are just as over-scheduled as I am, so I can’t ask them to change the time we meet for breakfast.’”

  With a little bit of well-intentioned curiosity, Danielle was able to ask the right questions and get to the real issue with Iris. And as you might guess, Iris felt heard by Danielle and no longer needed to call to complain. Danielle certainly wasn’t able to solve the situation for Iris or make a change to the schedule, but Iris was no longer struggling to make her views known.

  When we express real curiosity in our conversations with others, especially when we have to discuss difficult topics, we can learn new information that might enable us to see the situation differently and, accordingly, respond differently. That same curiosity can make a world of difference to the person you are speaking with. As with Iris, the person may feel heard and understood in far deeper ways than they felt before you be
came curious.

  When we can authentically tap into our curiosity, we can ask questions from a place I refer to as objective inquiry. Objective inquiry does not have a specific agenda. The questions are not leading questions; they are not designed to influence the other person’s thinking or behavior. Rather they are, as the name suggests, objective. They are not influenced by personal feelings. They are not influenced by opinions. Instead, they are designed to get at a set of facts, the facts that the other person holds.

  Connecting with the part of you that holds the keys to your innate curiosity requires setting judgment aside so curiosity can flourish. When judgment begins to crowd your thoughts, it squelches curiosity. Your mind cannot be simultaneously judging and curious about the same thing.

  Quite often in difficult situations, both parties are operating with different, and incomplete, fact sets. When we engage in objective inquiry and ask questions from a place of curiosity, we stand a chance at shedding light on our partner’s fact set. While I call them “facts” here, this “fact set” may also include the other person’s opinions, beliefs, and theories about the situation. Whether they are facts or opinions, they exist and they have a bearing on the situation at hand.

  Only when we get to an authentically curious place can we tap into the power of objective inquiry. In some situations, you may need to look very deep within to find the place from which you can be organically curious. If your curiosity is forced, insincere, or disingenuous, it may do more harm than good. Human beings have finely tuned BS detectors. We can smell it a long way off. If a line of questioning is inauthentic or manipulative the other person will likely sense it and it will erode trust and respect. On the other hand, when questions come from an honorable and curious vantage point, they work to build trust and respect. (If you have trouble feeling respect for the person you are addressing, they will be able to sense it. You may need to look outside their current role to find a place where you have organic respect for the person. If you are stuck, look to areas of similarity you share with the other person or things you can relate to. “He has aging parents just like I do,” or “He’s a dog owner and I like dogs.” Even if it is a relatively minor thing, it will provide a basis for developing authentic respect.)