Head On Read online

  “Scott, I know you love your coffee as much as the next person … probably even more so. Three times in the past two weeks I’ve come to get a cup of joe and the pot’s been left empty. Now I know you’re not the only one who leaves it empty. I’m hoping we can come up with a plan so that it doesn’t happen anymore. Can I count on you to help?”

  Scott may counter with excuses and attempt to avoid responsibility. Be ready for this and if it happens, stand ready to be more firm. If his response is, “I know, but I was so busy this morning. I was going to stop back later to do it and when I did, there was already a fresh pot.” Then, you say something like this: “Hey, I know, we are all busy. And I want you to know that this isn’t personal to you. The same goes for everyone. If you and I have some variation of this conversation with everyone who uses the area, I know we will see lasting impact. And that means there will always be a piping hot cup of coffee for both of us when we want it. How about it, are you on board?”

  In this follow up, the focus is on not making Scott feel singled out. After first giving a nod to his excuse/s (i.e., too busy), move into an approach that says this is a communal issue. We accomplish this two ways. First, we specifically say that it isn’t personal. Then, throughout the remainder of your turn in the conversation, use plenty of plural pronouns. We. Us. Everyone. In doing so, you are taking the focus off of Scott and putting it on the community who shares the area. (Note: If you know Scott is a repeat offender and one of the main sources of the problem, this is not the right approach and would be one that I deem passive-aggressive.)

  Someone like Scott might not take to the change and immediately implement new behaviors. I encourage you to be persistent. Continue to address the issue with him over time until his behavior changes, always keeping the focus on the community at large, with the use of plural pronouns. Perhaps Scott has not had the responsibility for refilling the coffee pot in his personal life. If so, the change in behavior make take some time to bring about. Keep in mind, too, that the changed behavior you are striving for is for the good of the community, and while it may have some personal benefit for you, it also benefits others across the organization. Of course, be mindful to not become a nag or to only have conversations with Scott about the coffee! Strike up a collegial relationship with him if you don’t have one already or if you don’t work together directly. Inquire about his family, hobbies and weekends. Be likable. People do favors for those whom they like.

  PERSONAL HYGIENE AND OTHER FAUX PAS

  The number of social blunders and indiscretions clients and audience members share with me, especially those related to personal hygiene, never ceases to amaze me. Americans spend a great deal of time at work (upwards of 47 hours per week according to a recent study)27 and clearly some of them are very comfortable there, as comfortable as if they were in their own home. From clipping toenails at their desk to passionately kissing a co-worker at the office to spending time on questionable websites (for organizations who don’t have those blocked), some employees lack discernment regarding acceptable behavior in the workplace.

  Enter you. You get to be the fortunate one to share with them the norms of professional behavior in the workplace. Of course, with the tools from this book, you can do so in a manner that will have them thanking you.

  Before we get into the specifics about what to say, let me add that this technique will also work for the colleague who is loudly munching their food when you need quiet, wearing strong perfume that disturbs your concentration, using no personal hygiene products and reeking of body odor, or suffering from chronic halitosis (and unintentionally making those around him suffer, too). Okay, now let’s get to it.

  Approaching Personal Hygiene

  First, if this is really bothering you, or if you think you might lose your pluck and avoid the conversation altogether, I recommend using the Phone-A-Friend technique. Make sure someone knows you are going to have the conversation. It will give you a chance to clear any emotional issues that might get in the way, particularly if the situation, issue, or person disgusts you. It will also give you an opportunity to hold yourself accountable to have the conversation and you might possibly use the call to rehearse what you are going to say. It is critically important, though, that if you are using the Phone-A-Friend technique, you have complete and total integrity about it. This is not a chance to gossip or complain about the person or the situation. It is merely a technique for setting aside your charged emotions so you can come to the conversation with your message and your intended outcome clearly in focus. Once you are clear, you are ready to hold the conversation.

  In most situations, and throughout the earlier chapters in this book, I recommend starting with a fact or a strongly held belief or opinion that you both share. In this case, I’m going to suggest something a bit different. I suggest that as you begin you acknowledge that this is an awkward or difficult conversation. I refer to this as using a sensitivity cue. Sensitivity cues foreshadow that the topic about to be raised may be perceived as delicate, discreet, or distressing to some. Examples of sensitivity cues include “This is an uncomfortable topic,” “I’m not sure how to put this delicately,” or “I’m a bit embarrassed to bring this up.”

  Using a sensitivity cue does two things. First, it creates a more equal playing field. You are about to put the other person in a vulnerable position by discussing a matter that is personal to them (i.e., hygiene). In stating that you are uncomfortable, you have already acknowledged your own vulnerability, making it easier for them to be vulnerable too. Second, it gives them a moment to orient to the idea that this conversation is different in nature than those that address typical work tasks. As with any difficult conversation, hold this one out of earshot of others in your organization.

  The conversation might begin with a sensitivity cue followed by the Fact AND model you learned in Chapter 5, such as: “Hey Jim, can we talk for a few minutes? I need to talk to you as my colleague and my friend, and this an uncomfortable topic for me. And it’s an important topic. Please bear with me if I’m awkward as I say this. It’s about clipping toenails at work. I understand that hygiene matters like clipping toe nails are, well, personal. And it’s something I’d prefer you kept in your personal space at home, not here at the office.”

  Expect that the person might be embarrassed and don’t belabor the point. It’s also best if you keep the conversation about just this topic and not “sandwich” the issue between other more palatable issues (see Chapter 5 for details). Keep the conversation short and to the point, without being rude or abrupt. Allow them space to save face if they are embarrassed. However, if the person disagrees with you and claims the behavior is perfectly acceptable, this may become a situation requiring Type 2 agreement, where it takes two or more conversations to reach agreement (see Chapter 8).

  PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE COLLEAGUES

  Matthew recently joined the marketing team at a large consumer products company. He had taken a lateral move from the sales organization. Dana, one of the other members of the team, was a veteran of the team and liked to be helpful, especially with newcomers as they found their groove on the team. Their manager had encouraged Dana to mentor Matthew as he came up to speed, much as she had done with other new marketing team members. Matthew had a college degree in business with a concentration in marketing but had not worked directly in the marketing field until now. Consequently, Dana didn’t always know when Matthew needed extra guidance or the extent to which he needed it. Dana often tried a soft approach, such as “Not sure if you’ve done a creative brief for the photography team before, but you’ll want to make sure you include a complete list of the shots you want them to get, including the most minor details, like the angle of the lighting on the product and the model’s face.”

  “Yup,” Matthew responded, as he often did. The “yup” infuriated Dana. It wasn’t so much the word itself but rather the tone in which he uttered it. Dana interpreted that one little syllable as meaning that Matthew thought he k
new everything and he didn’t need her guidance, and that further, he was annoyed that she would even consider providing any assistance. And that she even existed.

  To make matters worse, every time Dana heard Matthew’s “Yup,” she also heard her husband’s voice. It was the same reaction she got from him frequently. Recently, she had mentioned to her husband that their daughter might need some extra help with math and that they should consider hiring a tutor for her. What she was hoping would turn into a meaningful discussion about their daughter’s academic progress, instead was cut short with his, “Yup.” In that “yup,” Dana heard “it’s obvious that she needs a tutor; that’s been my idea all along and you don’t need to talk about it, in fact, why haven’t you hired a tutor yet?” Dana is projecting her own meaning of the “yup,” thinking both her husband and her colleague are being passive-aggressive. At this point she is guessing and she may or may not be accurate.

  We need to know the meaning behind the “yup” or any other communication we deem passive-aggressive. We must have an accurate sense of the meaning of what is being said to determine whether there is an aggressive intent or if we are making up meaning that doesn’t ring true for the other person (as we humans often do). Next we address how to do just that.

  Approaching Passive-Aggressive Behavior

  In this case, since Dana is collapsing her colleague Matthew’s “yup” with her husband’s “yup,” it is more critical than ever that she do some clearing to create emotional distance between she and her colleague Matthew so that she doesn’t inadvertently bring her home life into the office situation. My suggestion is that Dana do some preparation by journaling, including making a list of all the ways in which her work situation with Matthew is different from her personal situation with her husband. Then I recommend she make a list of all the possible meanings Matthew’s “yup” could have. (She would be wise to do the same for her husband’s “yups” as a separate exercise.)

  Next, Dana must rehearse how she is going to respond when she receives the next “yup” from Matthew. She may need to anchor to an object on her body to remember to remain neutral and take a deep breath before responding (see Chapter 4). In her rehearsal, she should follow these steps: First, connect with her anchor (an accessory or body part) as a reminder to choose a response rather than simply react. Second, take a deep breath or two. Third, recall as many of the things as she can from her list of what Matthew might mean. Fourth, ask him to share more specifically what he meant by “yup.”

  I also suggest that Dana wait to approach this situation the next time it occurs rather than initiating a discussion of a time it happened in the past. If Matthew is doing it inadvertently, he likely won’t recognize the dynamic when she describes it to him and he might be defensive thinking she is analyzing the minutia of everything he says. Accordingly, Dana must wait for the next occurrence of “yup” or its equivalent to come from Matthew. When it does, from a place of neutrality and objectivity, Dana will go through her preparation sequence (anchor, breathe, remember) and then ask something along the lines of: “Say a little more about what you mean by that. There are several ways I could interpret it.” If that isn’t sufficient and she doesn’t take her up on it, she might add “Like, maybe you already knew that and were annoyed with me for suggesting it, or maybe you didn’t know it and were glad for the advice, or maybe something else entirely.”

  If Matthew simply agrees with her and is glad for the guidance, he may say so: “Yep, I got it. Thanks for the additional details.” Or, he may give a more ambiguous answer, such as, “Yep, I got it. No big deal.” Here’s where Dana needs to determine whether there is sufficient trust and respect in the relationship to continue on this course and probe further. She might say, “Okay, I’m glad you’ve got it …and I’m trying to determine if you’d like me to continue to give you tips like that. If you don’t, it’s okay. It’s just that your tone of voice suggests that I’m annoying you when I share those kind of tips.” If there is sufficient trust and respect, Matthew will honestly tell her if he is annoyed or not.

  If there is not sufficient trust and respect in the relationship or if Dana’s remarks have triggered defensiveness, Matthew might come back with something like, “So what’s your problem?” If that is the case, then it is likely Matthew’s passive-aggressive behavior is indeed a front for the aggression that lies beneath it. He may be angry that he needs help, he might be threatened that a woman is helping him, or myriad other reasons. It is not Dana’s place to figure out what is causing the aggression. She is best to take the situation to her manager and suggest that the dynamics between she and Matthew are not conducive to the mentoring relationship and that perhaps there is someone else on the team he could learn from.

  CONCLUSION

  This chapter addressed communication strategies employees and managers can use to discuss petty, yet disruptive, behaviors. Any of the situations in this chapter (or their cousins) taken individually as one-off behavior are quite mundane. It is tempting to ignore them and carry on. This approach often boomerangs, however. Sure, you may say that you’re not going to let the mundane things get to you, because you “don’t sweat the small stuff.” However, if it is a recurring situation, you may go from thinking it’s mundane to having it drive you insane in a flash. Better to address it as soon as you see a pattern and while it is still small than when it boomerangs back to you as a much larger issue.

  In the next chapter, we turn to taking a head on approach to giving continuous feedback in informal settings and giving feedback in the more formal context of performance evaluations. But first, do the exercises below to lock in your understanding of the concepts in this chapter.

  EXERCISES

  #19: Communicating in Common Spaces

  Look for a situation in a common space, either at work or at home. Find a relatively minor issue, but not one that has been bothering you for a long time. Maybe your child takes their socks off and leaves them in the family room. Or maybe a colleague nearby took a call on speakerphone in a public area today.

  It’s important to practice this skill on a relatively simple and straightforward situation rather than a complicated issue that’s been bothering you for a long time. Think of it like riding a bike. If you’re just learning to ride a bike for the first time, you do so on a relatively flat stretch of open space with smooth pavement, like an empty parking lot. You don’t start on a busy street in rush hour. You will someday be able to ride there, but those are not the best circumstances under which to master the basics of riding. The same goes with learning to address the situations that can go from mundane to insane. And, as a bonus, if you approach them when they are mundane and resolve them, they will never become large enough to make you insane.

  Approach that situation head on with the techniques you’ve learned in this chapter. Write down the techniques you will use to open the conversation and keep it on track.

  #20: Eliminating Passive-Aggressive Behavior

  Are you passive-aggressive? Use this checklist to find out. And, if you find that you are guilty of any of these passive-aggressive techniques, bring your awareness to them and eliminate them.

  Saying yes when you mean no. Agreeing because you want to be a team player, when you in fact disagree, isn’t noble. Stop it.

  Overusing the word “Actually.” When you use the word “actually,” you are evading taking the issue head on. Consider this example: “This is actually a design the client might like.” Translation: “I didn’t think you were capable of producing a design they would like and I am pleasantly surprised.”

  Saying “I thought you understood …” As in “I thought you understood the deadlines were flexible” when you learn that your co-worker stayed up to the wee hours of the morning working to meet a fictional deadline. It’s demeaning and disparaging. Instead, explain the deadlines matter-of-factly. And apologize.

  Delivering a “softened message” with feigned surprise or confusion. The other person can see throu
gh it. This tactic is a roundabout way of being critical. If you disagree, share your disagreement straight up.

  If you recognized yourself in any of these situations, you have some work to do. Remember, being straightforward with people builds trust and respect and strengthens relationships.

  CHAPTER 11

  PERFORMANCE EVALUATIONS AND CONTINUOUS

  FEEDBACK

  Sophie was stunned. She’d just hung up the phone after her annual review with her manager, Rachel. Rachel, the new vice president of the division, was stationed at the headquarters of the manufacturing conglomerate and had been Sophie’s manager for just three months. Sophie had been in her role as senior director of supply chain at one of the manufacturing plants for four years and was newly reporting to Rachel. Sophie had been very close with her previous manager, Carlos, but she had a good feeling about Rachel. She was excited to have a female manager and looked forward to being mentored by her in the future.

  Performance evaluations with Carlos had always been pro forma. Not much meaningful information was exchanged. Sophie was an above average performer and managed supply chain extremely well. If there was something Carlos thought Sophie could improve upon, he came to her with it right away rather than saving it for her performance evaluation. As Sophie reflected on the conversation with Rachel, she realized she and Carlos had not had one of those constructive conversations in a long while.