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  Head On

  How to Approach Difficult Conversations Directly

  Janel Anderson, PhD

  Head On: How to Approach Difficult Conversations Directly

  Copyright © 2018 Janel Anderson

  All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any mechanical or electronic means, including information storage and retrieval systems, photocopying or recording, without permission in writing from the author.

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  While efforts have been made to verify information contained in this book, neither the author nor the publisher assumes any responsibility for errors, inaccuracies or omissions.

  The reader of this publication assumes responsibility for the use of the information. The author and publisher assume no responsibility or liability whatsoever on the behalf of the reader of this publication.

  For worldwide distribution. Printed in the U.S.A. Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Anderson, Janel K.

  Head on: How to approach difficult conversations directly ISBN-13: 978-0-9995809-2-9

  1.Business Communication

  For Andrew, Jocelyn, and Blake—

  who have taught me more about myself and life than they could ever know.

  Introduction

  Here’s a secret, the product of my research, observations, and experience: difficult conversations are made, not born. Even the least acrimonious discussion can become difficult when one person makes another defensive.

  When that happens, conversation shuts down. Someone on the defense can’t listen or reason well. It’s not his fault; it’s a physiological fact. Here’s the scientific explanation: when someone is under attack, the body diverts blood and oxygen away from the neocortex. That’s the part of the brain that performs logical reasoning, and it all but shuts down. Where do these precious resources go instead? The arms and legs. To help that person either throw punches or run. You know: fight or flight.

  When you start a conversation by making the other person defensive, it’s hard to reach agreement. And it’s darn near impossible to actually come up with a creative or innovative solution.

  But there’s hope. I’ve developed a process for starting and staying with a conversation that has the potential to be difficult-in a way that doesn’t make your partner want to put up their dukes or flee the room. I’ve been training people in this process for years.

  They always ask if there’s a book to take home, to consult, to continue helping them through these challenging – and undeniable – conversations.

  And now there is.

  WHAT’S THE SECRET?

  Fear and anxiety significantly influence our interpersonal communication at work, whether we want them to or not. Difficult conversations are fraught with these emotions, which in turn, prohibit us from being fully aware and present in those conversations. In those difficult situations, if fear and anxiety run the show, we lose the ability to regulate our thoughts and emotions. Instead, we react. And we react defensively. Most often, these very conversations are the ones in which we most need to be fully aware and present.

  What if there were another way? What if you had a method for holding a conversation in a manner that kept defensiveness at bay? Imagine a conversation on a difficult topic with a co-worker or a family member in which neither party got defensive. A conversation in which neither party was provoked to defend her position or protect his self-concept. This book offers just such a method.

  The result? Both partners can bring their best listening and critical thinking skills to the table. No one gets upset. Each person begins to understand the other person’s position and perspective, even if they don’t necessarily agree with them. They also start to see who else is affected by the situation. And finally, they reach agreement, or at least understanding.

  This book provides exactly such a process, a process you can begin using in your very next conversation on a difficult topic.

  THE SKILLS YOU WILL LEARN

  The book is divided into three sections. In the first section, you will come to understand why we get defensive in the first place. This section, Communication and the Brain, takes a close look at what is happening in the brain when we feel threatened and how we are biologically wired to defend ourselves when we encounter threat. Chapter 1 examines what happens in our brains when we face threatening situations and how that directly influences our ability to communicate clearly and effectively with others. Chapter 2 explores stress and the degree to which it supports or inhibits our ability to discuss difficult topics. In Chapter 3 you’ll come to know some of the major regions of the brain and how each of them plays a role leading up to and during difficult conversations.

  The second section of the book specifically describes a step-by-step method for holding conversations on difficult topics, both when you initiate them and when they find you. This section, Difficult Conversations, Step by Step, provides a recipe of discrete, proven steps to follow when conducting the conversation. Chapter 4 goes over the first step in the process: preparing for the conversation, but not in the ways you might typically prepare. Instead, this chapter offers guidance on how to ready yourself emotionally for the conversation – even when someone else starts it. Chapter 5 covers the critical first steps in how you begin the conversation and offers a process for opening the conversation in a manner that is specifically designed to lower the other person’s defenses.

  Chapter 6 offers a technique for staying present in the conversation and dynamically responding to the other person so they feel heard and acknowledged. Chapter 7 prompts you to get curious and stay curious throughout the conversation. It encourages you to think more expansively about who is affected by the situation. And Chapter 8 helps you reach agreement even when agreement is hard to come by. It also addresses the inevitability that sometimes we aren’t able to reach agreement, and explains how to close those conversations with the relationship intact.

  The third section, Difficult Conversations in Context, applies the content from the first two sections to specific situations in work life. Chapter 9 addresses holding difficult conversations with your teams and how to approach problematic issues as they arise in meetings. In Chapter 10, you will learn how to handle awkward and difficult situations as they occur with colleagues in common areas such by the copier or in the cafeteria. Chapter 11 provides guidance on facilitating your annual performance review as well as incorporating feedback throughout the year for continuous improvement. Chapter 12 examines difficult conversations with senior leaders.

  Finally, Chapter 13 concludes with a discussion on how to drive lasting cultural change, so that confronting difficult situations in organizations head on becomes commonplace.

  A WORD ABOUT EXAMPLES

  I provide a lot of stories throughout this book to illustrate the points I’m making and to demonstrate the concepts and techniques in action. In the years I’ve been doing this work, I’ve trained, given speeches, coached, and facilitated meetings for literally tens of thousands of people. I’ve heard stories that may sound very similar to your experiences. Other stories may surprise you, amaze you, or be drastically different from your experience. I use some of those stories in this book.

  The stories come to me in side conversations with participants at training programs I deliver, in the hallway with audience members after keynote speeches I give, on the phone with coaching clients, and in prep calls and debriefs with executives when I facilitate meetings. My audience has been very generous with me in sharing their stories, sometimes seeking help or support or to get my reaction, and other times to share their triumphs in navig
ating difficult situations. Whatever the reason, I am indebted to my audience members for trusting me with their stories.

  All of the stories in this book are true. Aside from changing the names and surface details to protect the privacy of those who have shared their stories with me, I share the stories as they came to me. The examples come directly from people like you, facing workplace and personal issues that are sometimes mundane, sometimes awful, and many, many more, somewhere in between.

  HOW TO USE THIS BOOK

  I encourage you to do this book. Naturally, you will read it but I challenge you to take it a step further and to experience the book, in addition to reading it. Use Head On as a guidebook for understanding what happens in the brain when fear and anxiety are present- for both you and your co-workers-and how that distorts communication and relationships at work. And then do something about it. Actively use the techniques and methods in the book to get different results than you have gotten before.

  Each chapter concludes with a pair of exercises to help you implement what you learned. To take your practical learning further, there is a companion volume to this book called The Head On Handbook. There you will find many more exercises, checklists, and activities that will help you apply what you learn in this book to real situations you face in the workplace.

  If you really use the resources in this book – no, when you do-you will develop a much higher degree of self-awareness (even if you are already highly self-aware!) that will, in turn, lead to better emotional regulation and enable you to achieve better overall outcomes in conversations on challenging topics and not-so-challenging topics too.

  And as you will discover, they don’t need to be “difficult conversations.” Rather, they can be conversations that happen to be on challenging or difficult topics. The topic may remain difficult, but the conversation doesn’t have to be.

  In short, when a conversation makes its participants feel anxious, the clear and rational thinking that can help to address the situation head on is more difficult to access. You are about to discover how to get more of that clear, rational thinking in conversations on challenging topics, both from yourself and others.

  Part 1

  Communication and the Brain

  CHAPTER 1

  Fight or Flight

  Shawn arrived to work on Thursday like any other Thursday. He managed by walking around, checking in with his team members who were already at their desks, saying hello to the office manager and heading to his office to check email and prepare for his morning meetings. He was a bit surprised to see a meeting invitation in his inbox for a meeting with his manager’s boss, Mike, the vice president of the division. Meeting topic: Project Work. “That’s odd,” thought Shawn. He wasn’t accustomed to getting project assignments from Mike.

  He had ten minutes until the meeting so he swung by his manager’s office to see if he might glean some information. The office was empty. Shawn started to get a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach. He’d heard rumors of layoffs that were being announced this week. Most of those affected were in the New York office, or so the rumor went. But now he began to wonder if he would be among the fallen.

  The ten minutes crawled by. Shawn took the elevator to the third floor and walked the very long hallway to Mike’s office. When he arrived, Mike and Jasmine, from human resources, greeted him. There was a large, white envelope on the desk with Shawn’s name on it. The sinking feeling he’d felt in his stomach earlier was gone. Now it felt like his stomach had completely dropped out of his body. His mouth was a desert wasteland, not a drop of moisture to be found. He swallowed hard and said hello.

  “I’m sorry to be the one to deliver the news,” Mike began. “As you know, the company is making some changes in our business model, based on the economy.” Shawn struggled to hear the rest of what Mike said. A deafening sound thundered through Shawn’s head. It sounded like the roar of a locomotive. He literally couldn’t hear. He blinked and squinted, trying to focus on what was being said.

  “It’s all spelled out in the letter and the additional materials in the envelope,” Jasmine explained. “Do you have any questions that we can answer right now?”

  “My team,” Shawn stammered. “My team. Do they know? Are they affected?”

  “There’s a meeting at eleven o’clock this morning with your team. They’ll stay on. They’ll be reporting to Jennifer starting next week. They’ll have this week to wrap up the projects they’ve been working on with you and your clients,” Mike explained.

  Shawn took the envelope and walked to the door. His knees felt unsteady, his eyes blinked frequently and the sound of the locomotive still flooded his head, blocking all other sound. He passed by the elevator and took the deserted stairwell instead. The sound of his wingtips on the stairs echoed in the cement stairwell, and he could faintly hear the echo amidst the roar of the sound in his head. As he continued to his office, he wished more than anything that he could hide, not show up at the meeting with his team in two hours. If only he could disappear.

  ◆◆◆

  Shawn was experiencing classic symptoms of the sympathetic nervous system in his body. This chapter examines the impacts the sympathetic nervous system has on our bodies and can, in turn, have on interpersonal communication at work. In Shawn’s case the additional blood flow away from his brain to his limbs accounted for the roar of the locomotive in his head and his difficulty hearing. His body was mobilizing for fight or flight. The blood that normally circulated to his brain for critical thinking, listening, and other cognitive tasks was rushing to his limbs to help him either fight off his attackers or run for his life.

  From an evolutionary biology perspective, that’s what our body is programmed to do: protect us by escaping from threats we are not able to easily fight off. Modern work activities typically are not ones we must fight (with our bodies) for our livelihood, nor are they the stuff we typically must run fast and climb a tree to safely escape from. Although it sometimes feels that way!

  The evolution of work and life has occurred much more rapidly than our brains and bodies have evolved. We are still programmed to use our physical strength to fight and defend ourselves or run for our lives, escaping from threats at all costs. Our bodies do not distinguish between modern office politics and a saber-toothed tiger chasing us down. The body mobilizes quickly to escape the threat and does not slow down to critically examine the particulars of the situation. Our ancestors did not pause to thoughtfully consider what they would taste like when the tiger caught them. No, they ran for their lives and climbed that tree as fast as they could!

  Likewise, we do not carefully consider the details and subtle nuances of our situation when the sympathetic nervous system is fully engaged and we are in full on fight or flight. We are programmed to find safety. Shawn’s only refuge for the time being was his office. He wanted to flee, but he had just enough rational thinking to override his desire to leave the building.

  Another person’s response might have been different. Another person may have been argumentative and combative if they responded with the “fight” nature of the sympathetic nervous system. Others still might freeze up and find their ability to move, no less ask pertinent questions, to be completely incapacitated. (For an excellent discussion of all the possible responses to threat, I recommend reading Extreme Fear: The Science of Your Mind in Danger by Jeff Wise.)

  The sympathetic nervous system, often referred to by its nickname “fight or flight,” governs our reaction to threats, real and perceived. The emphasis for us is on perceived: since our brains and bodies have not evolved as rapidly as our modern environment, they get a lot of false positives in the “run for your life” category. That is, the body reacts as if the boss’s explosion du jour is an actual threat to our survival – and whether you gear up to fight or shut down in flight, your boss will probably respond in turn.

  Fight in the workplace shows up as yelling and screaming at staff and co-workers. It shows up as bullying and pas
sive-aggressive behavior. It shows up as fierce competition for resources. It shows up as cc-ing your peers in an email accusing a co-worker of botching a project. And at its worst, it shows up as violence – from verbal attacks to punches thrown.

  Flight, on the other hand, may show up as a literal physical departure (i.e., leaving the room) or as checking out and becoming less engaged. Flight, while seeming more innocuous than fight, significantly impacts individual relationships and organizational outcomes. When interpersonal communication between managers and employees is strained or dysfunctional, the resulting literal flight can cost millions of dollars in turnover. Remaining on the job while “checked out” may be costing organizations even more. Recent reports estimate the active disengagement of American workers results in an annual loss of $350 billion.1

  Another reaction to fear is the freeze response. The freeze response is produced by the same part of the brain that generates both fight and flight. It is a response that no longer suits our environment, at least at work. When a manager, for example, puts an employee on the spot, stunning him or her to the point of no response, that’s freeze. Standing utterly still may have helped our ancestors to avoid detection, but it’s not very effective or professional in the concrete jungle.

  YOUR BRAIN ON THREAT

  As Shawn’s example above demonstrates, a brain experiencing “threat” is not working at its best. When the brain is running an “escape threat” program, it will not be doing its optimal, clearest thinking. Rather, it will be seeking self-preservation and protection. In short, it is operating out of pure defensiveness. Think of the most recent time you were talking with someone who was feeling defensive. Whether it was a co-worker, a client, or your teenager, the threat – real or perceived – got in the way of them doing their best thinking, listening, and participating in the conversation.