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  Interpersonal Threat

  Long before the recent breakthroughs in neuroscience, communication researchers were observing and documenting the causes and effects of defensiveness in communication. Chief among the early researchers was Jack Gibb. Dr. Gibb’s work in the 1960s and 1970s at the University of Colorado, where he directed the Group Process Laboratory, is critical to our current understanding of how defensive communication comes about. 2

  Gibb and other researchers found that defensiveness is sometimes caused by intolerance of those who hold different views. When we encounter views or beliefs that are different from our own, the juxtaposition of holding those two viewpoints simultaneously results in cognitive dissonance, or a set of incompatible perspectives, which can easily lead to defensiveness. In sum, when we encounter new information that is contrary to our present thoughts, feelings or beliefs, it may result instinctually in a fear that we may have to change those thoughts, feelings, or beliefs.

  Researchers in the field of interpersonal communication have also been studying this phenomenon for decades. Dr. Anita Vangelisti at the University of Texas, Austin and a team of other researchers have found that defensiveness is predicated on a cycle of self-awareness of a flaw or inconsistency in oneself and a refusal to admit or acknowledge it. For example, if a person is inconsistent with how they handle money and their spouse wants to have a conversation about financial matters, the person may get defensive almost immediately at the start of the conversation. Additionally, the person experiences an accompanying sensitivity to the issue and easily perceives an attack on that area by another person, whether or not it is real. 3

  Defensiveness Begets Defensiveness

  Neuroscience research focusing on mirror neurons demonstrates how easily we are influenced by other people’s words and actions. In functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) studies, researchers have found that when one person sees another individual performing an action, the same part of the observer’s brain that is required to perform that action is activated, even though it is the other person who is performing the action.4 So it is not surprising then that when one person acts defensive, the other person is likely to get defensive, too.

  Throughout this section of the book, we are going to be discussing some of the parts of the brain that have a direct influence on communications and how they are related to our emotions. Keep in mind, though, that our human brains are extremely complex and handle many different kinds of processes, from remembering birthdays to dancing the Funky Chicken.

  Additional research has shown that the defensive response is generated by the limbic system (the emotional part of the brain) before the neocortex (the rational part of the brain) is activated and has a chance to respond to the threat. When you form an initial perception of a situation, information that seems threatening is handled directly by the amygdala, part of the limbic system and the center of your fight or flight response. It bypasses the neocortex where critical thinking and listening occur.

  For example, if your boss’s boss sees you in the hallway and says rather sternly, “I need to see you in my office in five minutes,” there is a good chance that your body will automatically react to this as a threatening situation. Your heart may begin to race or you may break out into a cold sweat, whether or not there is indeed a real threat. The information, including the verbal message and the nonverbal cues that accompany its delivery, gets passed directly to the amygdala before the neocortex can even get a chance to consider whether there is a real basis for a threat.

  This bypass is designed for our survival. The human brain is conditioned to protect the body it inhabits. When there is a perceived threat, alarms are sent immediately to the body to mobilize and defend or to get out of harm’s way quickly. That bypass, designed for efficiency, may not serve us well at the office, but it just may be responsible for our species still roaming the earth.

  Breaking the Cycle

  With the amygdala jumping into action in a threatening moment, how do you stand a chance at acknowledging the perceived threat and then examining that threat through the lens of the executive function of the brain? If you can manage to do it, you’ll get an opportunity to apply critical thinking skills to the situation. Then you can evaluate the perceived threat to determine the best course of action to take, given your desired outcomes.

  This requires conscious and deliberate effort. It requires slowing down and interrupting the stimulus-response cycle which governs our bodies and brains in potentially threatening situations. To do so requires an intimate and conscious awareness of how threat feels in our bodies. We each react somewhat differently to threat. To some it feels like a punch in the gut, to others it may feel like the oxygen has been sucked from the room. Still others will get a racing heartbeat or sweaty palms. And some may react like Shawn from the beginning of the chapter, with the deafening sound of a locomotive roaring through their heads. For most of us, it will vary from one situation to the next.

  Take a minute now to reflect on a time when you felt threatened. Recall the experience with as many of your five senses as you can. Then, scan your body from head to toe and notice any and all sensations. Bringing your conscious awareness to these sensations will enable you to identify them more readily in situations of perceived or real threat. When you sense your body reacting, you will be more able to rationally evaluate situations that initially show up as threatening. You will be more able to head off false positives, making it more likely that what you say and do next is, in fact, informed by your rational brain and not by an unchecked, instinctive response to a threat.

  EVOLUTIONARY BIOLOGY AND WORK CULTURE

  The modern workplace has evolved much faster than our brains and bodies. You don’t have to look farther than your boss sending you an email that says simply, “See me,” to strike fear into the minds and bodies of most people. Our brain senses ambiguity in this message. Without knowing the valence of the message, that is, whether the message is a positive message or a negative message, the instinctive brain will default to interpreting it as a negative message. This is by design. Here’s how it works:

  When we encounter ambiguity around a particular situation and don’t know if it is negative or positive, our amygdala first perceives the situation as negative or threatening as a protective measure. Assuming the worst can protect us from a possible threat. Threats, as we have already discussed, generate defensiveness.

  From an evolutionary biology standpoint, our brains and bodies have a long way to go to catch up with the changes in the modern workplace. It is in our DNA to feel defensive when we feel threatened. In fact, this is an essential part of what it has kept our species alive for hundreds of thousands of years. But in the modern workplace is not always helpful. We get a lot of false positives because we face increasingly ambiguous situations at work. Being aware of such false positives, and the frequency with which they happen, is one of the best ways to intercept defensive responses when they are not necessary. By bringing conscious and deliberate attention to situations that we perceive as ambiguous, we can begin to get a better read on the valence of the situation – that is, whether it is negative or positive or neutral. From there, we can engage the neocortex and take appropriate action.

  AWARENESS IS THE FIRST STEP

  Working with the sympathetic nervous system is not a simple thing. After all, it is part of our autonomic nervous system and runs, for the most part, automatically. There are several things, however, that you can do to manage your sympathetic nervous response and your fight or flight reactions.

  The first of these is raising your levels of awareness to your bodily sensations. Whether you are in a stressful situation, a threatening situation, or an enjoyable situation, a deep knowledge and understanding of how your body feels in those situations is powerful information.

  Because the amygdala sends information to your body so quickly, your body receives and acknowledges the information before the critical thinking portion of your brain does. The h
uman body is a terrific barometer. When you learn to recognize the information in real time as it shows up in the body, you may gain an edge in regulating your response. You can slow down and deliberately engage your critical thinking skills so that the rational mind and executive function get an opportunity to process the information. That is to say, with a conscious recognition of the information your body is giving you, you may be able to take more deliberate action instead of merely reacting instinctually.

  How can you develop the skill to slow this process down and be more in touch with your fight or flight triggers? I recommend two different techniques, detailed below.

  The first practical way to develop this skill is to keep a journal of bodily sensations, often referred to as a body journal. At various intervals throughout the day, check in with your body to see what sensations you are feeling. Jot down the time of day, what you were doing, and what you notice in your body.

  Begin with a quick scan of your body, top to bottom. Notice if anything feels off or out of whack. You might notice that there is tension in your shoulders or that your neck hurts. (Did you just relax your shoulders after reading that last sentence?) You might realize that you have been clenching your fists or furrowing your brow. You might find that every time you receive an email from a certain colleague your shoulders raise up to your ears and your upper back feels strained. Maybe their name in the “Sender” column is all it takes to generate that reaction. Or you might find interacting with someone else makes you feel relaxed and at ease. Record these reactions in your journal.

  In addition to checking in with your body regularly, also check in when something stressful happens. Your sympathetic nervous system, the fight or flight response, will be triggered and your body will be reacting. Notice what you feel and experience at those times and record them in your journal as well.

  The more skill you develop in understanding how fight or flight shows up in your body, the more seamlessly you can react to reevaluate when necessary, and the more likely you will be to ensure that what comes out of your mouth is indeed influenced by your rational mind. Your faster reaction time will also help tremendously when you need to correct for a false positive, that is, when you perceive a threat that is not actually threatening.

  Secondly, meditation and other mindfulness practices can have a measurable impact on how you respond to stress. Meditation can allow you to cope better in difficult situations. The goal of meditation, after all, is to become more mindful and intentional in where you place your focus and how you respond to stimuli in your environment. Indeed, this goal is in line with having a faster response time to false positive “hits” on the sympathetic nervous system. While there is no shortage of information available on meditation, yoga, and other mindfulness practices, it is worth briefly discussing a simple technique that can help you regulate your emotions in times of stress.

  A simple place to start is by spending five minutes in meditation two times each day. Even the busiest person has ten minutes to spare. Set a timer for five minutes and silence the voices in your head, the concerns of the day, and any thoughts that may come up. When thoughts do come up, as they inevitably will, thank them and send them on their way. Do not worry about doing it wrong. Meditation has no right or wrong.

  As you get comfortable with creating a still mind for five minutes twice a day, begin to lengthen the amount of time you spend in meditation during each session. Grow your practice in very small increments. Move from five minutes at a time to six minutes at a time. Maintain that practice for a week before adding another minute to each session.

  Eventually you will develop mastery in producing a quiet mind on demand. Imagine: silence in your brain anytime you want. No critical voices from your past. No worrying. No wondering what other people will think. No replaying past conversations over and over in your mind. Just silence and a still mind. When and where you want it. Priceless.

  In keeping a body journal and in developing a meditation practice you will develop speed in gaining control over your reactions and be able to communicate more effectively in high stakes situations and in times of stress. Your fight or flight response will no longer be single-handedly running the show. The executive function of your brain will play a more significant role in how you respond.

  CONCLUSION

  In this chapter, we’ve discussed the relationship between the sympathetic nervous system’s fight or flight response and your ability to communicate clearly and effectively. When we perceive threat, we are biologically predisposed to respond with defensiveness. If we listen to the cues our body provides when we feel threatened, we can gather more information about what is occurring and in so doing, gain more control.

  In the next chapter, we look specifically at stress and its impact on the body and, in turn, communication.

  EXERCISES

  # 1 : You r List of Conversations

  What are the difficult conversations you have queued up, the ones you have yet to hold? Who are they with and what are they about? Getting that down on paper is the first step toward holding them. It also releases you from some of the angst you have about holding those conversations.

  Make a list of the people and topics you have not yet addressed. It’s okay if you have more than one topic with the same person. Put them all on the list.

  PersonTopicWhen

  #2: Ghosts of Conversations Past

  Many people avoid holding difficult conversations because they remember a time when they had a conversation on a difficult topic that did not go well. When memories of conversations that went poorly continue to haunt you, it will be daunting to try again.

  Let’s expose the ghosts for what they are: phantoms that belong squarely in the past. Review them one last time, and then let them go so they no longer haunt you.

  Make a list of any conversations that you recall that did not go well. Then, remind yourself that that was then and this is now. You are developing a new set of tools to tackle those situations with grace and diplomacy, even if they didn’t go well in the past.

  Your list:

  CHAPTER 2

  What’s Stress GOT TO DO WITH IT?

  Unbeknownst to Charlie, a manager in a large financial organization, his direct reports would have a secret meeting every morning just after he arrived at the office – to discuss nothing other than Charlie’s mood. After a few of them had initial interactions with him first thing in the morning, the team would gather quickly to discuss Charlie’s disposition. Most often he was irritable and demanding. His staff would rally their support for one another and vow to be available when his inevitable outbursts came. The team knew all too well that, left unchecked, Charlie’s bad mood would make for a universally miserable day for all of them.

  Charlie had no idea of how much his emotions were visible to others. Nor did he understand that they were, in fact, spreading stress throughout the organization.

  ◆◆◆

  Much has been said about stress and its negative impact on the body and brain. Already in this book, we’ve explored some of the negative impacts of stressful situations on communication. Our goal, however, is not to live a completely stress-free life. Some stress, positive stress, is in fact good for us and helps us get things done and communicate well. When we feel the nudge of positive stress, we are more inclined to meet our deadlines, be productive and bring our best to our work and life.

  ZERO TO TERROR IN 60

  Neuroscience brings us a framework for considering our level of cognitive arousal and how that impacts our ability to, indeed, bring our best to our work and life. The Arousal Continuum (see Figure 1) shows the progression from a relatively calm state to full-on terror.

  Figure 1: Arousal continuum

  Terror

  Fear

  Alarm

  Arousal

  Calm

  How does this relate to communication? The relative state of a person’s arousal in a conversation has everything to do with how that conversation goes. Different
portions of the brain are active in each of the states. As an individual moves up the arousal continuum, he or she has less ability to regulate thoughts and emotions.

  When we are calm, the neocortex and cortex regions of the brain are activated and are regulating our thoughts and emotions. This is where we do our best abstract thinking (i.e., strategy, innovation). When we become aroused or interested in something, our cortex and limbic regions of the brain are activated. It is here where we do our best concrete thinking (i.e., planning, creating frameworks from earlier abstract thinking). This state has been described as “relaxed alertness,” when one is both relaxed and emotionally engaged simultaneously. It is deemed by educators as a foundational component of being able to learn new skills.5

  When we become alarmed, the limbic and midbrain regions of the brain are activated and begin regulating our thoughts. We are more likely to react emotionally. As alarm escalates to fear, the midbrain and brainstem, or primitive brain which is responsible for basic survival functions, begin to regulate our reactions. In a state of fear, we are reactive and are less able to be rational. When fear turns to terror, the primitive brain is responsible for regulating behavior. We are completely reflexive and are entirely focused on responding to threat.

  The higher we are on the arousal continuum, the less likely we are to control or regulate our emotions or our thoughts. Research in education also explains that the higher on the continuum a learner is, the less capable he or she is of learning new content or retrieving content he or she had mastered in the past (this explains test anxiety, for example).6

  This helps us understand why it is so hard to think clearly and communicate well in times of duress. It also shows, however, that not all stress is bad. Moving from abstract thinking when the brain is relatively calm to concrete thinking when the brain is in a state of arousal is necessary for moving from concept to action. We may philosophize all day long about a project and not take any action on it if we remain calm and only our neocortex is activated.