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  In some situations, where the other person’s actions or point of view seem so strange and bizarre and perhaps not grounded in the same reality that you experience on a daily basis, I am fond of asking myself this question: “On what planet or in what alternate universe does this person’s point of view make sense or hold up to reason?” This question is designed to shake up your thinking and get you to see their side, and from there, formulate a question to ask. This is a question for you to consider silently and is not, in any case ever, a question for you to ask in your “outside voice.”

  CONCLUSION

  In this chapter we have covered how to listen in a new way and how to be curious about the other person’s perspective. Continue to practice the skills of adaptive listening and objective inquiry by completing the exercises at the end of this chapter.

  At this point, you now have the knowledge to work through a conversation on a difficult topic by preparing emotionally, opening that conversation in a manner that doesn’t create defensiveness, and listening in a mode that demonstrates both your respect and trust for the other person even when you are the one doing the talking. You are curious and asking questions from an objective stance rather than presuming or predicting outcomes, and in so doing, getting more facts on the table. The next step is to move beyond the two of you to a larger context and identify others who may be affected by the situation.

  EXCERCISES

  #11: Adaptive Listening

  Adaptive listening is the process of listening and speaking simultaneously, and in that listening, dynamically adapting the message to meet the real-time needs of the audience.

  It is a spontaneous dance in which you adapt the delivery of the message to meet your audience where they are. Your overall message does not change. What does change is your delivery, your word choice, your rhythm.

  Adaptive listening occurs when you are speaking, not when you are in typical “listening” mode.

  List several people you know who seem to have this skill. What do they specifically do that exhibits characteristics of adaptive listening?

  #12: Getting Curious in Difficult Conversations

  Think specifically about a difficult conversation you are preparing to hold.

  Write out 10-15 questions you could ask in the course of that conversation. What are the things you don’t know that might make a difference to help you understand the other person’s perspective?

  CHAPTER 7

  Beyond Your Story

  Stephanie, a team lead in a large technology company, and her team member Justin didn’t see eye to eye on much.

  Stephanie consequently implemented the advice she’d been raised on: if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all. Accordingly, she limited her contact with Justin, often avoiding him and interacting with others on the team instead.

  Unfortunately, other team members weren’t as well equipped to provide what she needed. Many times, those colleagues had to go to Justin to get the answers to the questions Stephanie posed. Justin played his part too, firing sarcastic comments at Stephanie during team meetings and adamantly disagreeing with her whenever an opportunity arose.

  ◆◆◆

  You’ve probably heard the maxim “there are two sides to every story.” I’m about to suggest that there are far more than two sides to any story and at a minimum you should be considering three stories, or sides to the story, in every difficult situation. When we move beyond our own story and the story of our counterpart, we begin to see a more nuanced, complex situation. Myriad other people and situations may be affected by this one set of circumstances. Acknowledgement of the stories of those people and perspectives may be the motivation that we need to see a different, and sometimes more important, viewpoint. Let’s take a look at the various stories in this situation, including Stephanie’s and Justin’s.

  THE ROLE OF HISTORY

  Stephanie’s story: Stephanie knows that two years ago Justin also applied for the lead role that she now holds. She recalled being a confederate in Justin’s sarcastic, witty comments back then. But ever since she got the lead developer role, he has been a thorn in her side. So she steers clear at every turn.

  Justin’s story: Justin feels his management team made a big mistake in promoting Stephanie instead of him. He had more seniority and his technical knowledge surpassed Stephanie’s. Stephanie even admitted to that. Justin knows that eventually the management team will see the error of their ways and give him the lead role he so rightly deserves.

  Their co-workers’ stories: Janet, a developer in her late 50s, is hoping she’ll be offered an early retirement package. As much as she loves her job, she detests the way Stephanie and Justin treat each other. Jamal, an eager developer just out of college, keeps his head down and tries not to get mixed up in the cross-fire. He knows there’s something going on between these two, but he isn’t sure what and he doesn’t want to get involved. Fredrick, the admin who supports their whole floor, rolls his eyes whenever he sees either of them coming. They both like to vent to Fredrick and he has a hard time listening to either one of them.

  Their manager’s story: With the immature behavior coming from both Stephanie and Justin, their boss Jack is wondering if he made the right choice in promoting Stephanie, and he’s sure glad he didn’t select Justin. With all the complaints he gets from others on the team-even the admin has approached him about this-he’s frustrated and somewhat disgusted. He knows the team isn’t operating at full capacity because of Stephanie and Justin’s pettiness.

  There are many directions we can turn our lens to see a different side to the story. We could look beyond Stephanie and Justin’s colleagues to their friends and family members. It’s likely that their conflict at work, however clandestine they might think it is, is being dragged out and paraded around in their personal lives as well. And so we can add the stories of their families and friends.

  When either Justin or Stephanie turns their attention to any one of the multitude of stories in their situation and seriously considers it, it will give them pause. When we begin to glimpse the far-ranging effects of our actions, the view can provide motivation for changing our behavior. This is the power of looking at the many stories or perspectives of the situation.

  It is common to be stuck in our own story. We human beings are narrative creatures after all. Storytelling is in our very makeup and is what allowed our ancestors to hand down knowledge and culture from generation to generation. We share facts, beliefs, norms, and customs through story. The stories take on a life of their own, reinforcing the key messages. The more the story is repeated, whether to ourselves or to others, the more solidly it becomes entrenched in our mind and in our organization’s culture.

  We may be prompted, sometimes by the very people we are telling our story to, to consider the other side of the story. For every “Stephanie’s side” there is a “Justin’s side” and vice versa. But we are not often prompted to examine the full cascade of stories that stem from the initial course of events.

  CASE IN POINT

  Courtney and Luke, sales colleagues at a large medical device company, were dining in a neighborhood bistro with a potential client. Getting an appointment with this prospect was difficult. Courtney and Luke had been working on this account for close to a year and they finally had a break: Dr. Kumar Patel, the lead urology surgeon, and Barbara Randolph, the chief medical officer, were meeting them for lunch.

  As Courtney ordered the grilled ahi tuna sandwich, she asked the server, “The menu says the sandwich comes with piquant sauce, can you describe that for me?”

  Amir, the server, responded, “Certainly, it is a spicy aioli sauce, mayonnaise-based, seasoned with Ají Limo, or lemon drop pepper. It’s a medium spicy sauce and the slice of avocado that also sits on the sandwich soothes the heat quite nicely. But if you’d like, we can put the piquant sauce on the side.”

  “It sounds lovely and I enjoy spicy food. I’ll take the sandwich, with the sauce,” Court
ney replied. Amir took the orders from the rest of the group and disappeared into the kitchen.

  Once the food arrived, Courtney found, much to her surprise, that her ahi tuna sandwich was also topped with a generous portion of matchstick-cut cucumbers. Cucumbers that were not in the description of the sandwich on the menu. Cucumbers were one of the few foods that Courtney did not like.

  Courtney struggled to contain her frustration as she called Amir back over to the table. “There was no mention of cucumbers on the menu,” she snapped, more sternly than she’d intended. You see, not only did Courtney not like cucumbers, she had a history of asking for dishes to be prepared without cucumbers (when they were listed on the menu!), only to have her requests go unheeded. It took only a mere slice of cucumber on a salad to set her off. The conversation escalated quickly.

  Kumar and Barbara traded glances while Courtney exchanged fiery rounds with the server. Luke attempted to divert attention away from Courtney by engaging the doctor and the administrator in a conversation about the weather.

  Let’s look at the stories in this setting.

  Courtney’s story: Her story is apparent and in the fore-front of this interaction. What the others in this interaction don’t know, however, is her long history of receiving cucumbers when she’d asked for them to be held.

  Amir’s story: Amir dutifully answered all of Courtney’s questions and she’d seemed like a pleasant customer. Given she’s obviously on a business luncheon, he is more than a little surprised at her extreme reaction, especially given his attempt to have the sandwich revised to her liking.

  Luke’s story: He’s dined with Courtney countless times and borne witness to her cucumber explosions over the years. He’s taken to carefully reading the menu himself when he dines with Courtney, to make sure she hasn’t overlooked a cucumber reference. He saw the look exchanged between their potential clients and he’s worried that Courtney’s outburst might cost them the sale.

  Kumar’s story: A cucumber lover himself, he’s a more than a little put off by Courtney’s reaction. Not only does she seem to be overreacting, she’s upset about something he loves.

  Barbara’s story: Courtney’s reaction reminds her of another vendor the hospital worked with a few years back. A radiology vendor had a quick temper about many issues and Barbara found him insufferable to work with because of it.

  In addition to these five stories, there are also the stories of other diners seated nearby. How this situation is discussed and handled will affect their experience of their own meals. There is also the chef’s story. No doubt the chef designed the sandwich with the cucumber matchsticks for a very good reason and he may be frustrated and angry to have to remake the meal for Courtney. Courtney will most certainly be discussed among the servers, prep chefs, and managers, and each of those individuals will have their own stories.

  This brief situation effectively illustrates nearly ten different stories represented in a simple interaction between two people in a casual encounter. Each viewpoint, or story, is influenced by the person’s history and worldview.

  MAKING THE MOST OF OTHER VIEWPOINTS

  When we take into account that there are many possible stories, we see the situation differently. One of the ancillary stories might just be the motivation needed to take a difficult situation head on. Likewise, one of the ancillary stories can serve as a way to address the topic so that neither party feels blamed or threatened. Using the Fact AND model introduced earlier in this book coupled with their co-workers’ story, an opening to the discussion between Stephanie and Justin might go something like this: “Justin, we don’t always see eye to eye. Heck, we rarely see eye to eye. I was thinking about how that comes across to the others on our team and I’ll bet it doesn’t reflect too favorably on either of us. Maybe we should call a truce before this situation takes the team down.”

  Going beyond your story requires a certain degree of maturity. Oftentimes in difficult situations we are not always at our most mature. Sometimes we are whiny and immature and just want our own way. We are right and we are righteous and everyone else is wrong (unless they are on our side!). To see the situation from an alternative viewpoint or several alternative viewpoints necessitates letting go of being right and along with it, any righteousness we might feel. In doing so, a space of vulnerability is created that makes it easier for the other person to engage with us in a new way. When you take the time to explore the stories of those individuals and entities who are connected to the difficult situation while not being immediately party to it, you stand a chance to grow both professionally and personally. When you stop to consider that there are stories beyond the two obvious ones, like your manager’s story, the team or department’s story, the division or business unit’s story, the customers’ stories and so on, it is easier to see the broader impact of our words and deeds.

  No example better illustrates the power of additional stories to provide perspective and motivation than Nancy’s. Nancy waited to speak to me in private after a speaking engagement. She shared this: “Janel, when you talked about there being more than my story and the other person’s story, something massively shifted for me. My older sister and I haven’t spoken to one another in the past 10 years. It goes way back, obviously, to something that happened a long time ago that was very hurtful. I’ve always acknowledged there was her side and my side. But today, I saw all the other stories. All the other people in my family who are hurt by our rift. My parents. Oh, it must break their hearts to see their two adult daughters not speaking to one another. I never really got that until today. And even bigger than the impact on my parents, I think, is the impact on my kids. They aren’t getting to know my sister’s kids. I’m depriving them of the experience of having cousins. Not to mention what a bad example I’m setting about how to get along with others and the importance of family. It just breaks my heart to see the story from my kids’ side. I’ve never been motivated to try to restore the relationship. I’ve always thought I’m right and she’s wrong – and I know she thinks she’s right and I’m wrong – and I’ve never been able to see beyond that. Today, for the first time ever, I’m motivated to try to restore my relationship with her. I know it won’t be easy. But I now see it as far more important than I’d ever thought.”

  CONCLUSION

  We have seen how every situation can be viewed from multiple perspectives and multiple stories can be told. Often the situation is far more nuanced when we take these stories into account. When we take the time to consider all the sides to a story, we may come to very different conclusions than when we consider only our own view and that of the person directly in front of us.

  Think of the difficult situations you face. What are the additional stories you haven’t considered? Who is affected by the conversations on difficult topics you need to have? Use the exercises at the end of this chapter to identify additional stories of people who are concerned about the difficult situations you face.

  EXERCISES

  #13: Three Plus Three More

  List three sides of a story in a recent or current difficult situation, at home or at work. Jot down as many details as you can think of that characterize these stories.

  My story:

  Their story:

  The third story:

  Now list as many additional stories (at least three more!) as you can think of. Jot down as many details as you can think of that characterize those other stories.

  Don’t worry about getting them in order of importance, etc. Just identify as many as you can.

  #14: Research Makes Right

  Don’t rely on your made-up story. You’ve done the hard work of identifying who else is affected and in what ways. Now, take the next step and research one or more of those stories. Talk to one or more of the other people involved in the story and find out what the world (and your situation) looks like from their vantage point.

  Where does their actual story differ from the one you thought they’d have? Where is it similar?
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  CHAPTER 8

  Reaching Agreement

  Anthony, an account manager for a rapidly growing software company, recently learned that one of the company’s top clients had been communicating directly with his colleague Eric, the lead software developer on the project. The client had Eric’s mobile phone number and was speaking with him regarding software change requests, circumventing the formal process for handling such matters. Many of the requests Eric was readily making for the client were change requests that would typically be vetted by an oversight team and some were changes that would normally involve an upcharge. As Anthony saw it, the company was losing control and losing revenue.

  Anthony talked with Eric and explained that it was problematic for him to be working outside the established processes. Eric grew defensive and said that other developers were doing the same thing on some of the other accounts. Further, he argued, going through cumbersome change request processes and involving an account manager and a project manager slowed things down and was too many fingers in the pie. He said to be the great developer that he was, he needed to be closer to the voice of the customer. Literally.